Saturday, June 6, 2009
1. took kids to a movie
2. visited Target 3 times and spent less than $100 altogether
3. painted the living room, kitchen, bathroom
4. hauled furniture from storage to living room (i now have an actual living room!!!)
5. made breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a week straight
6. went to a kiddie birthday party
7. hung out at the library and actually even checked a book out for myself (registered the little ones for the reading program)
8. cleaned and organized 3 different rooms
9. gut check for sanity of leaving job -- still feeling good
10. started to focus on my business (only have 3 months to make something start to happen before i have another 3 months to find a new job or maybe 6 more months before i find a new job)
cross your fingers for the ride everyone! i'm stoked.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Trip 1: Moab -> Lake Powell (Page, AZ) -> Grand Canyon -> Lake Powell -> Orem
Total Travel Time: 4 days
Trip 2: Manti -> Grand Junction, CO -> Orem
Total Travel Time: 2 days
Trip 3: Shoshone Falls, ID -> Lava Hot Springs, ID -> Minnetonka Cave -> Orem
Total Travel Time: 2 days
The great part about kids is that they are no nonsense. You don't have to spend too much time at the place to soak it all in, and yet you can spend enough time to actually see something, which is the entire point of the trip, right?
Lake Powell checks off the beach box. The Grand Canyon checks off the major wonders of the world box. Shoshone Falls & Lava complete the "water experiences". Minnetonka Cave gives us a sideshow, and Manti brings a live production (yes, we're going for the pageant). Grand Junction allows me to claim Colorado and small town life.
So trading up 8 days of our summer time fun for these quick excursions is the highlight of my new life of mom.
It's going to be a wonderful life, I tell you!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I was called two extremes today.
1) The X called me and chewed me out for not treating him like a person, and then told me that I needed to step up and start acting like a decent human being to him. I am still flabbergasted by what he thinks I did "wrong" but we don't really need to go there. Apparently, I am a self-centered [person] (I'll replace what he actually said since this is my blog and I can edit at will). Also in case any of you were wondering, I have always been this horrible person and he can't believe he gave up his life for a couple of years for me. Hmm. Interesting. We don't need to rehash that little hiccup in my otherwise amazing life, but all we need to do is breathe in and out and say 'Interesting'.
I'm also not going to lie to you, my faithful few - it hurt my feelings badly. I have never been called some of these things, and I always want to change myself for the better. Listening to this man is actually fairly detrimental to my emotional state though, and he knows it. He is a little manipulative of situations so looking back I wonder if he was taking his anger out on me for other reasons. I was fairly upset, called Azu (ps did you like the Halo remix I posted for you :)), and cried for a few minutes. Divorce is fairly awful - even a "pleasant" divorce such as mine. It's like this constant reminder of a really bad decision. It's a constant reminder of why I don't really believe anyone can commit [to me] 100%.
Today was also a huge reminder of why the Brit hurt my feelings so much. Not because he didn't really want me, but because he reconfirmed what X said today ... I'm easy to fall in love with and really easy to fall out of love with so what's that saying about me. Poor Brit wasn't in a place to be liking anyone, but sometimes that stuff is hard to help.
In a nutshell, this was sad, sad, sad and made me mad, mad, mad.
2) Toward the end of the day, after pretending for about 3 hours that I was perfectly fine and not about to burst into tears, one of the guys on my team popped his head into my office to tell me what he thought. His label surprised me entirely. Apparently, I am a ... wait for it ... wait for it ... a hippie!! Really?? Who would have thought. I'm not a hippie from my clothing (breathe a sigh of relief), but in my attitude about life. He said that he has never met someone that embraces life as fully as I do and just lives the way I want to live it. I am a very inspiring person.
I have never thought about myself this way - I just live life. If I feel like I need to move on, I just do it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and make no apologies about it. I have been mad the last month for falling so hard for the Brit when why should I apologize about it!! I'm a real person; I just am. It's exciting and fun and heart-warming and heart-breaking and it's life. Life full of vigor and full of love. That's what life is, and if you don't love hard enough, then what kind of miserable existence is it. I'm not apologizing for being emotional any more. I'm just going to be it - all the way.
Guess what - my X was mean to me. Big freaking deal. I can be mad about it and cry about it and then 5 minutes later feel fabulous again. I can be angry at the Brit and then 5 minutes later write him off. I can be ecstatic about quitting my job and 5 minutes later worry about what I want to do to support my family. I can be absolutely happy with myself and 5 minutes later think about 101 things I would change to make myself better. As long as I'm having a great time along the way and doing meaningful things with my life, I am living the best me. I don't have to cling to bad experiences in order to grow from them. So, it's ok that I made a bad choice and married X, and it's ok that I made a bad choice and had feelings for some guy that didn't return them, and it's ok that I quit my job, and it's ok that I going to spend the entire summer with my kids, and it's ok for me to just be me - flaws and all.
So in the words of a woman who sang a really awful song (which is not this one) live on American Idol tonight: you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no, you're in and you're out, you're up and you're down...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I woke up and realized - this is not me.
- I am not motivated by money, and yet I was spending long hours in an office and long hours on the road working for it. Do you know how burnt out you get by coming home at 8pm every night and barely having time to tuck your kids in bed for the past 3 years?
- I am not motivated by power, and yet I was spending a lot of time navigating waters that were (in my esteem) ridiculous based on other people's lust pursuits. Do you know how belittling that can be?
- I am not motivated by fear, and yet I was spending insane amounts of time trying to align with my boss to make sure all the political schemers stayed away. Do you know how many times over the past 2 months someone who was supposed to be part of my team has been in my boss' office trying to take my job?
- I am motivated by inspiring people. People that I like and I want to help be successful. This has not been the case.
- I am motivated by exciting ideas and execution. While the exciting ideas may have been there; it was full of such disappointment in terms of execution.
- I am motivated by flexibility in my workplace. I have limited flexibility. If my office light isn't on at 9am, I get phone calls about it. Seriously? You have time to waste being a hall monitor?
- I am motivated by happy workplaces. The people around me are not happy. They are cancerous and have driven my positive, happy spirit into the gutter.
I knew I was supposed to do this over Christmas Break, but stupidly, I was too scared. Well that led me down a path I wish I had never gone. If I would have just done it, I could have saved myself from unnecessary hurt by Brit. Although to be fair, he is probably the prime reason I finally realized my work world was so broken. It's all about people using people to get their own agenda met. Prime example.
Why can't work be about a collective group trying to do the right thing? Why can't anything in this life be about a collective group (whether that group is two people or a work force) getting together to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to say that your motivating factor is helping make other people's lives better while you're building something great?
So now I am jobless and I don't care. I have annual passes to the zoo, this is the place park, scera movies and outdoor musicals, and the planetarium. I am going to spend the entire summer with my kids and building back up my happy, positive attitude that I know is hidden in some deep, dark place. I can build up myself and my love of life again. Then, maybe the broken me will be able to piece herself back together enough to grow a heart and find something that I love again - I have lots of ideas brewing.
Wish me luck!!
Friday, April 24, 2009
We'll pretend together that we're chit-chatting like the proper British people do, and we'll talk about a wide array of subjects. I will only sound slightly nerdy in my references to the Sci-Fi world or long dead authors, and you will sound brilliant with your lyrical quotes and discussions on artificial intelligence. We'll discuss Parliament and Congress, and hypothesize on how much better we could run the world. We'll dawdle a little, and hope the other person will give us the smile that shares a million secrets. We'll have a lemonade from the little stand.
We'll talk about family and how you helped your mom the other day and how I need to help mine more. We'll talk about islands and which ones we want to visit. We'll love the sunshine that plays across our faces, and then we'll turn and say good-bye.
I'll walk off my way, and you'll walk of your way. A little piece of both our souls will be soothed knowing that the other person is still in the world and still has that little bit of magic that warms each others' hearts.
There. That was such a pleasant time we shared together. Let's do it again soon. Sooner than soon really - I miss you.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Today was a "tight ship" day. That's another term that I like to use when referring to the days where I have to remember and do about 50 things in the span on 3 hours. Easter weekend and X decided that he wanted to split it. So, I have this morning -- right.
1. Get kids awake at 8am after staying out til 11pm at friend's last night.
(Kids were up at 8:35am - not a good start)
2. Boil eggs to dye after egg hunt.
(Got that going around 8:30am)
3. Get everyone dressed
(Ava -- done at 8:40am, Liney -- done at 8:47am, TT -- done at 8:49am, Leo -- done at 8:52am after getting kicked in the face at least 5 times)
4. Get everyone in the car
(Roger that -- 8:57am)
5. Drive to the egg hunt
(Parked at 8:59am)
6. Have the egg hunt
(Yeah! We got there right when everyone was lining up at the edge of the field. Oh, but it started to pour on our heads -- whoops! forgot the coats and umbrellas. Back to car at 9:32am)
7. Decorate eggs
(here's where it gets tricky. Never "forget" that you are boiling eggs. it doesn't take an hour to boil them, but if you do take an hour to boil them, you come home to a smoke detector going off and egg spatter in places you didn't even know existed in your kitchen. There was egg across the dining room; it seemed to have no limits. )
8. Go to Thanksgiving Point for Easter Extravaganza.
(umm, i just finished cleaning egg off every nook and cranny of the kitchen and dining room, changing all the kids into new, dry outfits, and fixing everyone's hair. i have 15 minutes to drive to Thanksgiving Point for another egg hunt and bean bag toss.)
7. Achieve ultimate mom status i.e. do all of this AND manage to take a shower some time today.
I don't think I will be able to see another egg for awhile.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The first science project request ever came home last month. Ava immediately latched on to a balloon launch she saw on some kid science show.
A: Mom, we absolutely MUST do the balloon launch like on Sid the Science Kid. I know it. It will be amazingly perfect. I will have the best science project -- EVER. (SIDE NOTE: Yes, she really does talk like this)
TT: AG, I don't even know what that science project was so unless you can tell me ...
A: Mom, I have it. Don't worry. You just put the things on the end of the balloons and let them go outside.
After a little more proding, I realized that you tied weights onto the end of helium balloons to see which ones would stay and which ones would still fly away. Ok ... science project idea: CHECK.
We went to the "party place" to purchas 12 balloons.
A: Mom, we HAVE to have the princess balloons. They're the only ones that will make the project really work. If I don't have the princess balloons then it just won't work. A.T. A.L.L.
TT: Umm, ok. I don't think it really matters, sweet pea.
A: Yes Mom. Yes, it absolutely matters (SIDE NOTE: absolutely is one of her favorite words. i think she uses it more than i say 'totally').
SO, we bought 12 princess balloons.
We went to the hardware store, and they only had 10 different sizes of washers ... so we decided to let go 10 of the balloons and keep the other 2. Yeah, should have planned that one better, but oh well. I lost $1.34 on two extra balloons -- I think I can live.
Science project materials: CHECK.
Now, we were set. I tied all the washers on, and in the meantime, I didn't notice Ava going behind me collecting all the balloons.
A: Ok Mom, we're so ready for this. I absolutely know which ones are going to stay and which ones are going to float away.
TT: Well, you have to write it down. This is your prediction, or hypothesis. Do you know what that means?
A: Of course I do. I know what everything means (SIDE NOTE: Yes, she really did say that -- outloud -- and meant it.)
TT: *cough* Ok. So, write down your hypothesis and I'll hold the balloons.
I reached out to get the balloons from her and notice that they are all tangled and wadded into a ball.
********30 minutes of untangling later (said in the frenchy voice of the SpongeBob Squarepants Narrator that I can't get out of my head)**********
Science Project Materials Prepped: CHECK.
TT: Ok let's head outside with one balloon at a time.
A: I'm ready. [She picks the balloon with the lightest washer.]
TT: Let go of it!
A: [completely panicked] Mom, it flew away!!! [She starts screaming] Get it! Get it! [She breaks down crying.] Mom, it's gone. it's gone.
My daughter is now sobbing over a science project. Maybe this wasn't such a good plan.
TT: Honey, remember how they did this on the TV?
A: But why didn't you catch it for me?
TT: Because we were sending birthday balloons to grandpa for his birthday last week.
A: [not a lick of a tear in sight] Awesome. I bet he absolutely loves them.
Science Project Complete: CHECK
Daughter Expectations Realigned: CHECK
**********2 weeks later bringing the science project to school this morning**********
A: Mom, I bet grandpa still thinks his balloons are the best.
And she was absolutely sincere.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I always want to identify with these romantic, womanly female characters, but let's be honest here, I am just not like that. I am much more like Anna Scott, but my William Thacker doesn't have the guts to be that smitten ;) Well, I am romantic and womanly and emotional in brief spurts, but all I've ever know in life is that I have to keep it together no matter. I have walked away from people and things because I just haven't thought it would be worth the emotional ache.
Then, I was chatting with Disco (who has known me for almost 10 years), and he told me that I needed a guy that I would push away who would look at me and say "I'm not going anywhere so you better get used to it." Apparently, that's the only way I will find the man that's most committed to me because he insists that I push people away just to test them. Hmm ... he's probably right. I like to do that, and I reserve the right to get pissed off when they just walk away, which believe me, is what inevitably happens.
I'm telling you this because I just watched an episode where this is pretty much the plot line between Charlotte and her love interest (who, another unfortunate and telling thing for me, is the least good looking guy on the show ;)). I think I am her workaholic, driven, frigid, scared, and hidden person. It's creepy.
The Jimeister was always on about me being more open and less closed off to people. I just don't know how to do that. I only know how to be happy and smiling and myself and keep myself to myself. Maybe parts will start to creep out one day.
I'm trying to share little bits. The person I share with has no idea how freaking hard that is for me. I think he probably thinks that I'm SO open with him, and I am always like this. How far from the truth that perception is. Sometimes, it's so funny because I don't know how to be open. I can be in the middle of a conversation and I think 'I have to get off the phone now before I really tell him something' and I cut off the call and run away. Either that or I talk really spastically all across the board about non-connecting things. He probably thinks that I am a total nut job. It's just me trying to be open but being scared about it. It's not his fault, it's just how I have always been. I hope he doesn't think I'm a total idiot, and he realizes that it's a good thing. That for me, this is putting myself out there.
I'm all the good parts of myself too -- smart, nice, fun, happy, challenging, inspiring, and caring. It's getting better. I do have cohesive thoughts and discussions sometimes. But watching Charlotte has made me almost complete realize how much of a crazy person I must seem like. Good grief! No wonder it's going to be hard to find that person that just says "I'm not going anywhere so you better get used to it."
I'm so nutty that I think both of these songs sum up what I want:
Friday, March 27, 2009
I won't regale you with stories of my room change that landed me sandwiched between sexaholics that i got to listen to up to 5 times a day for 5 days (one side of me had a screamer), the rejection from breakfast for lack of appropriate attire, the Internet connection that wouldn't last for longer than 5 minutes (which makes watching porn to alleviate the first situation quite impossible), the choir groups and math clubs that were conventioning on my floor, my embarassing shoe purchase from a street vendor(http://www.zappos.com/product/7438522/color/554 -- please never remind me of the brand), or the typical New York stiletto-in-grate experience that maimed one of my favorite pairs of shoes.
Silence broken, I guess.
Talk to you later,
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I just want a daddy hug. Then, things will get better. It's a sad day.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I am out for a bit. Sorry, I got you all worked up because I was such a regular, entertaining poster, and you thought I was TOTALLY BACK. I just need a slight caesura. I'll be back - this isn't the rebuild my life timeout like the last one. Just need a little space to think outside myself. Maybe a month, maybe two, maybe a week.
You know the drill. Email is always there. Calling is always an option.
You are all #1 in my book.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Not a dry eye in the house.
Monday, March 9, 2009
My options in the past 12 hours are these:
*sigh* (and not in a good way)
TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT.
If you all pitch in, can I get that for my birthday?? Preferably before I go to London so I have great books to read the entire time I'm there. That would be lovely. *SIGH* (in the good way)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
1. I felt great.
2. My dress is also HOT and therefore, how could I not be in it.
3. My stilettos are beautifully amazing, and once again therefore how could I not be in them.
4. The young men stopped having conversation when I walked by and fell into an awed silence.
5. Women would not allow me to speak to their husbands without hurrying over.
A girl that I know in the ward said in a disdainful manner, "Tiffany, you always look so amazing. I could never look like you with my life and responsibilities."
Seriously? Did you just insult me by saying I'm not responsible because I look great? Really? Or that because you have 2 kids, you can't dress amazing? I HAVE THREE KIDS LADY!!! I juggle babies on my hips in my Suzi Chin dresses, wipe spit up from my winter white pants because I refuse to not wear what I want because I have kids. If they're going to learn from me, they get to learn who I am. And unless I am working in the garden or doing some sort of sporting activity (heaven forbid), I dress. For Myself. I don't need anyone to dress for, although appreciation of the effort is always in fashion and yes sometimes I wish I had that person to appreciate me, but I'll take the cat calls from the occasional construction worker. I don't need a partner to appreciate it to want to feel great about myself. I just feel great about myself. I haven't ever felt this happy with myself -- the past two months have probably been the best of my life. I know what I want, and I want it. I deserve it.
I look great because I want to look great, and I'm not apologizing for it again. E.V.E.R.
So today, I had FABULOUS hair, GOOD makeup, SWEET-ASS shoes, GREAT legs, a WONDERFULLY fitting dress, and a GORGEOUS smile. All in all, I looked H.O.T.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Here's the pics you've all been asking me for because yeah, I don't post everything on Facebook. Facebook is not a free place. Blogging is a place where I can be free, and not care, and tell you what I want, and you still love me. Cuz hey! It's the raw, real me, and you wouldn't want it any other way.
One of my favorite places - Cascade Springs. *sigh* it was so much fun.
At the top of the mountain and the end of the day. I can't even tell you how horrible my hair was after that, and I honestly didn't even care because I was so exhausted from the week. I blame bad hair on the reason that my Brit doesn't love me because let's face it, I'm irresistible otherwise!
Ok, admission time: this picture is on Facebook, but it's one of my favorites so you get a repeat. Or you could look at it like now you don't have to sort through all the FB pics to find the best ones.
This is on FB too, but this is my absolute favorite one. He is so adorable, even with the shoes that I gave him a really hard time for wearing in public ;)
And once we were back, we took a reallyquick snapshot because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and Sandy was taking off her super-fly jumpsuit.
I will try to make this the official last time I talk about the Brit on my blog, but you are required to forgive me if I have a lapse. He's kind of difficult to get over.
One final: *Le Sigh*
Friday, March 6, 2009
It's spring. Please update your color palatte accordingly. I don't want to be somber and depressing ALL year round.
Your favorite shopper.
Dear Discrete Affairs,
No, I am not married and lonely, but even if I were, your email and your Web site are embarrassing and appalling. Please help society invest in some freaking morals and stop making it a horrible place for me to raise amazing kids.
Could you have waited one day to give birth to your kittens?? I was trying to get the house in order for Leo's birthday, finish getting out the door for work, putting away all the laundry, and sending the kids to school on time for once, and I didn't really need 4 kittens to rescue at the same time. I hope you appreciate the fact that I have already scheduled you a "fix" appointment at the vet.
Your homo sapien adoptive mamma,
Dear Mother Earth,
I'd really appreciate a weather decision here. Decide: Winter or Spring. I need to coordinate my shoes accordingly.
Rocking your world (and not in the sexual sense although one can always hope),
When a girl says she's just not that into you, she probably means it. Please don't text message me and expect an answer.
Wondering why I ever give my phone number out,
Can't wait to see you tomorrow!!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Happy 1st birthday, baby. Here's to all the wonderfulness from the past year.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
- I really want to spend an entire day just lounging around Central Park. Oh, maybe even take a ride in a horse drawn carriage. I haven't done that yet.
- Hmm, maybe visit "the Shore", but it's probably still too cold for that.
- I want to visit the MOMA again (tradition calls).
- And I want to eat Dunkin Donuts.
- I really want to spend the night out on the town, which I haven't done since I went to NY with Disco and GirlPresident to visit BG (BG -- wasn't that night DIVINE!?!?!) a month before terrorists thought it was fun and games to play with our great nation, which is still great so BAH TO YOU ASSHOLES FOR THAT!! (Language was necessary in this case my dear readers.)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I don't think I've found my life-changing pair of shoes yet because I haven't had the Cinderella fairy tale ending, and my date the other night is NOT moving me closer in that direction. I know I told some of you that I would go again if he asked, but let's be honest, it would be a total waste of my time and his -- poor boy -- because it's just not going to happen. I'm just not that into you, MrICan'tPlan.
Now, the shoes I bought a couple of weeks ago at Aldo are absolutely amazing, and MIGHT seal the deal for me one of these days:
Monday, March 2, 2009
out in the morning (although I may be slightly delusional since I've
been awake the past hour and it's 4:30am). I am excited about the
Laundry Ladies coming in the morning and the Nancies coming later this
week and HandyManny's visit that is also imminent. I am excited about
work prospects this week too, which is the first time in over 3 months
- this could be attributed to possible work changes that I might know
about later this week. I am SUPER excited to be celebrating a
birthday later this week because I just can't believe LittleMan is
going to be 1 already!! I am excited to be planning a trip to New
York even if it is for business because I'm going to stay out there
and celebrate the first day of spring because I deserve to celebrate
hard that day!!
I went on a long and winding drive with Suz today, and I found a
perfect house, umm, that the owners are crazy enough to think
they can sell for $1.6MM in today's economy. We got a great laugh out
of that one. It is really great though, and to be fair, I was
expecting an $800K price tag, not over a million and a half!!
I cleaned out more of my closet in preparation for a possible big
move, which may or may not happen, but at least I'm cleaning out my
life. I think all of this has contributed to my uplifted spirits.
I want to plan a roadtrip with my kids the last weekend of March.
Anyone up for going to Moab?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Oh, and the date was fine -- nothing more, nothing less. At least he wasn't a serial killer as I'm still alive to tell the tale.
And did I mention that I FIT MY JEANS!!!! :)
Friday, February 27, 2009
Dear MSN Live -- I NEED MY HOT GOSSIP BACK so that I have something to do at 1am.
Dear ABC -- This is not the week to repeat all my shows so that I have nothing to watch at 1am.
Dear Hulu -- You suck because none of my shows will play without significant lag.
So instead, here's my non-email to my non-friend:
I miss chatting with you. I know it's only been a week, but hey, it was fun to chat with you because it relieved a LOT of the stress from the work day and made me smile. I had lots of stress this week, but in the end there was some good stuff too. I can't share either with you, but I wanted to.
PS. Frou Frou -- Hear Me Out
And instead, here's my shout outs to some peeps. (as usual, don't be offended if you aren't mentioned because I'm sure I'll mention you at some point or another -- and keep in mind, it's 1am!!)
Dear Azu -- Thank you for not being mad when I yelled at you for not being around when I had a total meltdown and cried at work. Crying at work puts me in a bad mood because I don't like to show weakness (at work anyway). Although I did just email you and you haven't emailed me back. What's up with that?? You are always awake when I am.
Dear BG -- I think I'm coming to New York the 3rd week of March to visit customers. YEAH!! I can't wait to see you. Girls Night Out in NY sounds divine. Oh, and want to come to the UK with me in April for my birthday?
Dear iieee -- We should go out soon. We both need a little booty shakin' and I need some hilarious chickas in my life. You fit that profile, and I don't mind being seen in public with you. Rock on, divalicious babe.
Dear Lucky -- Can't wait to see you next week!!!
Dear Demon that Possesses My Stereo and Turns It on Every Morning at 1am -- STOP IT!!!!!!
Love to the Masses,
One Laundry Service starting Monday
One Maid Service starting next Thursday
One new nanny starting as soon as I can find her
One painter to use the paint I bought to actually beautify my house
One handyman to actually install the dishwasher correctly and fix all the walls in the house
One commitment to not working after 6pm from now on
One Tiffany a whole lot more sound and satisfied.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Brit #1 = Leo's Dad
Brit #2 = Co-worker that I've known for the past 2.5 years
Brit #3 = Co-worker that I've known for the past 2 months
ICan'tPlan = dude from online dating site
GirlyMan = dude that works with Azu
TheNasties = all other dudes from online dating sites
TT = Tiffany Twisted (oh wait! that's me.)
Brit #1 said he was coming in February. Let's be honest, we all know this is a farce, but I do find it interesting that I told him not to bulls**t me and tell me he's coming when he's not, and yet he does it anyway. I think this is a British compulsion. No worries about TT though. She is not effected here any longer. Although I have no idea what to ever tell Leo and I feel like a complete failure on that Mom-front when it comes to his dad. This is why Leo needs a new dad, an awesome dad, some guy who's going to really teach him how to be a great guy. I can only teach him how to be great to women and to always love his mom even when she's a nut.
Brit #2 invited me to Vegas. This was interesting because we've had a thing for a couple of years now, and at 3am the week before, I just decided to come. I, who have not been spontaneous for at least 6 years, decided to just go and hang out in Vegas. I decided to be smart and drag Susie along to maintain some sanity during the weekend. I was a lune anyway, but this turned out to be not a worry because of 3 things:
1) Brit #2, sweet as he is, had the worst jet lag known to man and I only saw him for about 2 hours on the first night and about 2 hours while he slept next to me through the performance of O - and was completely paranoid that anyone at work would discuss the fact that he even knew me. Silly man. I don't gossip about my life, oh, and I remember to flirt with everyone so no one can accuse me of anything.
2) Brit #2 had secret co-crush on Susie. This pretty much killed any affection that I may have thought I would have for him because of previous problems with ex-husband that aren't appropriate to get into in a public forum. Oh my goodness, did I actually just restrain myself? Sue, I love your guts.
3) Brit #3 happened. No matter how I tried to maintain normal relations with Brit #2, it's just not there any longer. Even my flirting has been totally maimed. Hate it. I liked flirting with Brit #2. Everyone needs a stand-by flirt.
Brit #3 met me in Vegas. For me, there have been exactly 2 people in my entire life that I have met and had an undeniable connection with that was so unbelievably strong that despite all common sense, I just can't help it. Brit #3 and MrAtlanta (who I was with for 3 years and off/on for another 3 years and would still be with, but I was young and dumb and now it's impossible and that's that). Sad as this seems, even the X wasn't this connected. And it's not about sex. I can do sexual tension and walk away unscathed. I don't do mental/emotional connection and walk away unscathed very well. One slight complication: his fiance. I probably would have felt horrible about the fiance thing except that I actually had one of the most genuine and amazing men (who is also a bishop although this doesn't really mean much sometimes) tell me that until it hits the point of marriage, people should never feel constrained if they find the right thing somewhere else. Brit #3 was a pretty smooth talker too, although I know that I deserve to have a man really and honestly want me like that, I just don't believe that a man would actually ever love me like that. I can't imagine a man would actually make a sacrifice in his life for me; change things, want to just do it and make it happen. It is what it is, but he's happier in his current life, which isn't a fault as I'm sure it's a great life. I just wish he would have wanted to close his eyes and take the leap with me. THAT would have been amazing.
MrICan'tPlan has asked me out every weekend for the past 2 months, and I finally sent him a text last night saying I could do this Saturday. Mostly, to take my mind off Brit #3, and take Jim's advice to just say yes and think of it as practice even if it doesn't go anywhere.
GirlyMan flirted with me toward the end of really sad last week when I figured out that Brit #3 wasn't going to change his life for me. GirlyMan is a baby though so I doubt it would ever work, but I have people telling me that I need an older man and people telling me that I need a younger man. He is a tad on the young side (I'm being generously nice here as he was born in a completely different decade than I was), but hey! If he's cool with it, I'll take a chance. Mostly, because he's just the "fun" side of life and I don't have to think about anything serious with him. Who knows, maybe he thinks I'm a total old maid now that we've finally met.
TheNasties continue to ask me out and completely dim my hope that TT really ever will find anyone worth it.
So, generally been kind of painful experience, but I wouldn't trade it in as I absolutely adored someone for a few moments in my life. That is a great thing to have had. I would trade in the outcome because I have little glimmers of what it would be like, and it would be so happy. I love having a happy life. I have one, and I'd trade in anything for more happiness in my life. Although I just can't succumb to dating TheNasties to find more happiness. I do have SOME limits.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Mom Thoughts: And there I was imagining how serious she looked putting her leggings on before I realized that she's just throwing that word in there and talking JUST LIKE ME!!
Line: Mom, I growed lots of inches since you last saw me, and next, I'm going to be 5 whole years old.
Mom Thoughts: A) I'm a workaholic and B) her birthday was about 3 weeks ago and she's already going to be 5 soon!!!!
Leo (staring intently at his binkie): Dada. *pause* Dada. *pause* Dada.
Mom Thoughts: What happened to Mamamamamama. I like that phase a WHOLE lot betta!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
It's true - you stole my heart for about 5 weeks. My heart is absolutely amazing, and you haven't earned it yet. So, I'm taking it back. I'm the ubber-bomb when it comes to women, and you will never find anyone as amazing as me. But go back to your life and figure it out. Once you figure out that I'm perfect, you can come get me, and maybe I'll still be around.
Until then, if you ever speak about my kids again, I will break you in half. Actually, if you ever use another woman's kids to get to her, I will break you for that too. That was the most not fair of all the lines dished out. Seriously, kids are off limits, unless you are for real, which you weren't. Also, if you ever mention the fact that I had a crush on you, I will have a paper burning ritual with your name on it to curse you for all lifetime.
Now ... back to my own life.
Dear Mr Man with the Girly Name,
Yes, you can ask me out. You're cute, and it was fun to flirt with you. Thanks for the pick-me-up on Friday.
Yes, we can go out next Saturday. Sorry for ditching you this past weekend for the Brit even though you didn't know it was for the Brit. Yes, I will text message you.
Dear Brit #2,
Yes, I'll be your neighbor soon, and I'm excited too. Tell me where are good places to live with the kids so I know where to look next time I'm over. Yes, you can be my tour guide and help me find somewhere to live.
Friday, February 20, 2009
No, it wasn't you.
No, it wasn't an International Man of Mystery.
No, it wasn't the room service, or my new stilettos, or my sassy bootay-teee.
It is simple: my cute babies were coming to stay the night with me. I haven't seen them for more than an hour since last Friday (the girls at least and probably Leo since I was pretty much comatose all Sunday and most of Monday). Play games, go swimming, watch Perry Mason, eat cookies. The first few minutes were bliss, and then it was clear: they would have to go. The air quality at the hotel was poor enough that my kids couldn't breathe after being in the room for about 2 seconds!!!
Dear stinking 4-star (although I don't really believe it) hotel: You are ghetto! From, TT
It was kind of nice to realize that I love those three little people to absolute, adorable pieces.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I recommend sleeping the night before you have a huge presentation in front of a couple hundred people, and who cares that the demo has not yet once seen a complete end-to-end playback except when you're in your office and no one is actually watching.
I recommend not staying in a hotel that has Internet issues because on the off chance that you can't sleep, you also can't get up to speed with your latest TV programs online either.
I recommend that if your cell phone dies while you're in a hotel that your backup cell phone has long distance calling so that you can call someone who MIGHT be awake when all others are not.
I recommend ordering room service even when you ultimately think that you're too stressed out to eat and decide against it because you never know when you're actually going to get the munchies.
I recommend remembering to bring water into your hotel room because without a mini-bar, the tap water is really rancid.
I recommend not catching up on email, posting on Facebook, or any other highly tempting time occupying *cough* wasting experiences.
I recommend sleeping pills during the week of stress.
I recommend not mixing up your daytime and your nighttime medicine the night before a large presentation.
I recommend trying to catch up on sleep when you have extreme illness.
I recommend always making at least one snow angel in the freshly fallen snow.
I recommend laughing at any chance you can get.
I recommend a good book.
I recommend looking both ways before crossing the street.
I recommend getting your groove on every once in awhile.
I recommend people keep their opinion of other people's lives to themselves at all time.
I recommend riding on the London Eye.
BUT most of all,
I recommend you just live your life to its fullest and be the happiest person you know how to be.
In the end, you'll get it right :)
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
And no I will not admit that I've just been crying my eyes out, which actually surprised me because I thought I had that all under control and had convinced myself that I didn't really have one ounce of feelings for the Brit.
Feel free to send flowers. I'm at the Little America until Friday! Flowers always cheer a girl up. And strawberries. And room service. I'm ordering room service now.
Monday, February 16, 2009
I contracted the plague yesterday. I stayed in bed hyped up on Nyquil until this morning. I tried to pack for this insane work week. I hate all my clothes. Who packed these things? Better yet, who bought these things in the first place. I must go shopping now, and yet, I can't function to go shopping because I HAVE THE PLAGUE!!!
I was so bottomed out on Nyquil that my engaging personality and charisma were paralyzed. I actually wanted to be out with the Brit, and I wasn't nervous or awkward, but I was mute. (I know this part is highly amusing to many of you considering I am hardly a mute, but I stake my life on it.)
Oh, and who the HELL closed Ruth's!!! I just wanted comfort food since I had to be out and about, and Ruth's is torn to shreds. Completely. I almost cried because I had been dreaming about the pot roast ever since I forced my body to function this morning. It only obeyed because I promised her the pot roast!
Also, NOTE TO THE DAMN OLYMPIC PARK: When it's a freaking holiday, don't close all the rides!
In case you were wondering, it was a highly entertaining afternoon. Although there was this lovely little lunch at The Bistro 412 (which some of you know I adore and have visited there with me before). The snow fall was quite beautiful, and I would have been absolutely ok with sitting there all day doing nothing else.
I'm now locked in my hotel room trying to decide if I head over to the Gateway and get something decent to wear. I have to speak for 6 hours tomorrow, and I'm going to look the opposite of cute. I need cute in my life. Otherwise, I should just take a nap for the next hour and a half even though I'm afraid I won't wake up. Seriously, does anyone want to come snuggle with me even though I do have the plague?
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I am hoping that you all just wiped your brow in relief. I seriously do not really believe in Prince Charmants anymore. Sad, isn't it? The Brit does say all the right things, and about half of me wants to believe. Maybe it's true, but that's what the divining week ahead is all about. If it is, I will tell you all that MAYBE I believe in Prince Charming again. If not, I don't have to worry. You guys possess them all anyway!!! :)
So, I met another guy back at the end of December. He has asked me out every other week since then. This might sound like I'm trying to avoid him, but it's not really the case. The problem is that he asks me out on Thursday night around 10:30pm for THAT weekend. Hmm, I know single guys are completely self-absorbed, but what part of I HAVE 3 KIDS to coorindate doesn't seem to sink in?
My favorite was this past Thursday, as in 1.5 days ago. I received the requisite email:
I've got some time this weekend. What do you feel like doing? Are you up for some Racquetball?
Excited to see you!
Now, realizing Ican'tplan doesn't have children, I have sweetly explained to him that I do and it's kind of hard to find a babysitter last minute -- and do you make last minute plans with a girl you have never gone out with on freaking Valentine's weekend? Hmm, I think this is cynical me setting in because maybe I'm suppose to see the romance in all this. Is racquetball romantic? I think I missed that memo in Romance 101.
Anyway, we all know that I have pseudo-Heart date tonight. I.E. This simply means that I was asked out by a guy that I can't really date and so we're dragging along 2 other girls so it's platonic. PLEASE NOTE: platonic does not = gay.
I'm trying to take the Jimeister's advice, if they ask, just go. But really, how many times do I have to try and make plans with Mr. Ican'tplan before I call it 'a good try' and move on?
Also, I have possibly accepted a blind date, but I have no idea if I did or didn't because I don't answer my phone for numbers I don't recognize, and my voicemail box is full. I've been dreading listening to all the messages to clear it out (how can that possibly happen in 2 days!!!!)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Yesterday, I shocked Alison by exposing my fraction-of-a-second low self-esteem. I know I have you all fooled into thinking that I'm absolutely wonderful myself, but inside I secretly just don't know. I think it's a side effect of the past two years and a few other episodes in my life, but there it is. It exists. I'm probably doomsday about myself sometimes, although to me everything else in this life is great.
I mentioned to Alison that I had all this "stuff" that I came with that would seem pretty scary to some people.
Alison says to me 'Hmm, I have actually never contemplated the fact that someone wouldn't love me because of anything since I'm really just that great. I think you're that fabulous too so if I were you, it wouldn't even be an idea in my head. You really are that great so just deal with it.'
I was floored.
She was so painstakingly honest about it that there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she had never thought she wasn't good enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough for someone. The woman has more kahunas than any other person that I've known. And I LIKED it!!
I know amazing people, and I know they all have their little insecurities, and I apparently have mine. But this one simple statement really cleaned out a lot of my head. Seriously? I am freaking fabulous. I mean COME ON!! who wouldn't want this?
So, fabulous freaks -- I'm awesome, in case you were wondering. Why wouldn't anyone want me -- even with my 3 kids and my crazy demanding job and my nutty family -- who wouldn't care about any of that because I am amazing. Period.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
As a side note to the music day, I thought you'd appreciate the following facts:
FACT #1: Madeline's favorite song is currently: Single Ladies, Beyonce.
FACT #2: She sings it all the time, including the grocery store where people walk by and give me strange looks.
FACT #3: Her favorite line from the song is: If you like it then you should of put a ring on it. -- of course it is.
FACT #4: Ava's favorite song is currently: American Boy, Estelle ft Kayne
FACT #5: She sings it all the time, including at school where her teacher reports this to me daily.
FACT #6: Her favorite line from the song is: Take me to New York I'd like to go someday. Would you be my American Boy? -- and yes, she did tell Madeline this morning that she was a Loser (capital L) because she didn't have a boyfriend. Good grief, I think that means I'm a Loser too.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
In case you were wondering, I'm still a lot like that, but age has helped my mind to kick in after someone touches me. I can still tune out the world on occasion. I honestly just don't hear a thing when I'm absorbed. My mind just takes over and I'm off in my own world. I'm not meaning to be rude; it's not a personal thing. It just happens.
Last night, I was trying to get the kids ready for our bowling extravaganza, and I called Madeline to come get her hair done. She was just in the living room playing a game. After a few minutes, I went and looked. Yep, she was still there. 'Liney, come get your hair done.' She was still there, absorbed as ever. I walked over and touched her, and she didn't move. It didn't phase her. I closed the computer top, and she finally realized I was speaking.
It's a good thing that my mind can make heaven of hell. I'm hoping she inherited that part too.
Friday, February 6, 2009
As a side note, I am mad that I haven't had a Coke this week, and I'm rebelling against my girly side - even as we speak - by walking down to the vending machine and getting one. FULL FAT COKE.
This is me in ubber whine mode. I am a whiner.
I'm going to go see 'He's Just Not That Into You' tonight and remember, oh yeah, you nerd! He really isn't that into you because why should he be??? I have 3 freaking kids and a super intensive job and a crazy family and a nutty ex-husband and no life, and he has a nice life without me. What is there to want there???
Ok, I'm done being a whiner now.
I have found my zen.
I am the definition of awesome.
I am at one with myself.
PS. I am still contemplating the Coke.
PPSS. I honestly feel bad for my Brit. He's in a tough spot so try not to be too harsh (at this point).
- It is Friday.
- I am wearing a dress, a bright red dress to celebrate National Women's Heart Disease Day or something like that someone told me about. PLEASE NOTE: I am wearing a dress on Friday.
- I shaved my legs this morning. PLEASE NOTE: in the winter time, when I have no significant other/partner/boyfriend/oranythingelse to actually make it matter whether or not I shaved my legs.
- I worked out 3 times this week. PLEASE NOTE: At 6:30am. my eyes don't typically open until at least 7:45am.
- I ate a grilled chicken wrap at McDonald's last night in lieu of the cheeseburger and fries that _might_ have somehow sounded good to me at that moment in time. PLEASE NOTE: Do not leave nasty comments about how sometimes I actually like the McDonald's Double Cheeseburger with no onions.
- I have had water all week. PLEASE NOTE: I have desperately wanted at least 7 Cokes this week, but have resisted completely.
But WAIT! Before you get all impressed, I'm faltering. You all know about the crazy, last-minute Brazilian that I thought would launch me into perfect G.L.A.M.O.R.OUS status. And yes, for about 3 weeks I was in complete zen with my girlness. I was the ultimate girl. I was sassy; I was confident; I got a crush (damn him -- crushes steal some of the ultimate girl away).
Now, it's time to reevaluate my ultimate girl status. I can continue with it and finally have a New Year's Resolution to be proud of OR (this part may sound nuts) I'm at the point where I have to decide to give it up. The decision factor lays solely in to Brazilian or to not Brazilian. Actually, to Brazilian or to get lasered might be a better approach. Ultimate girl status can only be achieved by this decision.
Maybe I should start looking at this as a new adventure in pain tolerance therapy. Maybe if I do this, I might actually be able to go through natural child labor?? Hmm, yeah no, I take that back.
Maybe I just need to start researching laser centers. I don't think I could handle Round 2.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Now, I'm not trying to be mean, but is this a guy or a girl? (My next thought might be a little TMI for you all, but hey, it's me; I can't help the honesty sometimes) I'm all for a hot chick wanting to hook it with me, but 1) this person is not hot from either gender and 2) I'd prefer to have a stable relationship with a cute and amazing boy than just a hook up with a girl.
I wouldn't feel so pathetic except that the last few people who wanted to connect were these:
Q of the Day: how many ninjas you can take on at once?
Brit's Answer: What can I say - I'm a "Drunken Master" - as many as you can throw at me.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
So to honor a British tradition of Sunday Roast (sorry to the vegos out there), we're going to open up our lovely Sunday afternoon blog forum to whoever wants to comment. What do YOU want to know from the Brit or about the Brit? What is the one question that I absolutely have to ask no matter how scary or difficult it might be since I kind of adore him?
Or even better yet, maybe I'll set up a roasting luncheon and you can all come and take your turns with him ;) Hmm .. that might be a little much for him. You all are such lovely and personable ladies that you might try to win his heart (and iieee would do a great job at it cuz she's breathtakingly charming ;))
Anyway, ask away (LY - I can feel your sensible questions burning before I even post this), and I promise to deliver all the questions and keep myself out of harm's way, which is the whole reason why you want to know. Please restrict your questions to be those that actually are answerable, and not 'do rubber bearded chickens really crow at noon on Wednesdays'. Men don't seem to understand how to interact with that type of rhetorical questions, and we wouldn't want him absolutely failing just because he didn't know to say 'Yes.'
Love to my masses.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
We made "Halloween" decorations and hung them on the balcony even though the rain instantly put the ruin on them.
We picnicked in the canyon and fell in streams and rivers trying to make sure we had an "experience".
We ran circles around each other and laughed to our hearts content.
Friday, January 30, 2009
My first thought should be: that's nice, whatever.
My first thought is: Suh-wheat! (and then my second thought is that I actually will have a date for Valentine's Day! Yeah for single me.)
Then, he asked if he could meet my family. As in my mom, my kids, my whoever is special to me.
My first thought should be: Suh-wheat!
My first thought is: Is he serious about me? What are his intentions? Is this some sort of alternative universe where he's really trying desperately hard to reel me in by faking interest in my children? (and then my second thought is that I really want him to meet my kids but I'm also completely torn because if this isn't real then I don't want him meeting my children at all, but what is going on with my heart here .... reality? or? I haven't decided yet so no he can't meet my kids until I decide.)
Then, he told me he would be here from Saturday to Saturday and wanted to spend "real life" with me.
My first thought should be: This is going somewhere.
My first thought is: This might go somewhere and how do you feel about that Twisted, or Miss UnTwisted if you're Nasty? (and then my second thought is that I think I actually have lots of feelings that might be a little past the crush phase but they also lead to lots of questions so I just don't think about them right now until he's going to actually be in the room and we can hash through some of this.)
Then, he told me that I would probably be sick of him after a week.
I simply said, "Yeah, probably."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Well, I was prepared for the day, but not the unexpected package on my chair.
Opening up the Amazon.com package, I found a great book (Ella Minnow Pea: A Novel in Letters by Mark Dunn) and the sweetest note:
Hey you - something new for you to read - let me know what you think :-)
My crush just grew to about the size of the American continent. Is he real?
(and LaY - his current person is of the female persuasion so it's not THAT hopeless, or is it?)
Monday, January 26, 2009
I might be just as fickle about the weather as I am about my crush, but I thought that you (my millionsofreaders) would at least like to see some pictures before it passes, which passing I continue to hope will come any day due to the impossibleness of the situation. Alas, my crushing continues and gets worse every day, it feels like anyway. I am taking an email hiatus today and will not respond to or be the creator of any contact with said person.
Feel free to post comments on holding an intervention from me. I may need to be rescued from myself. Without further adieu, I give you Brit #3:
Taken from a page in iiieee's book: Le sigh.