In my insomniatic episodes of late, I have taken to watching online shows of which I would probably never watch if I was just watching TV. One of those is the silly spin-off of Grey's Anatomy, which I cannot even identify without feeling like I would lose effective cool points from all of you. The Show-That-Cannot-Be-Named has a character named Charlotte King. Each episode that I have watched from this season (and unfortunately for me, I am now current with the show), I have realized that I think I might unfortunately be exactly like this girl. It's scary.
I always want to identify with these romantic, womanly female characters, but let's be honest here, I am just not like that. I am much more like Anna Scott, but my William Thacker doesn't have the guts to be that smitten ;) Well, I am romantic and womanly and emotional in brief spurts, but all I've ever know in life is that I have to keep it together no matter. I have walked away from people and things because I just haven't thought it would be worth the emotional ache.
Then, I was chatting with Disco (who has known me for almost 10 years), and he told me that I needed a guy that I would push away who would look at me and say "I'm not going anywhere so you better get used to it." Apparently, that's the only way I will find the man that's most committed to me because he insists that I push people away just to test them. Hmm ... he's probably right. I like to do that, and I reserve the right to get pissed off when they just walk away, which believe me, is what inevitably happens.
I'm telling you this because I just watched an episode where this is pretty much the plot line between Charlotte and her love interest (who, another unfortunate and telling thing for me, is the least good looking guy on the show ;)). I think I am her workaholic, driven, frigid, scared, and hidden person. It's creepy.
The Jimeister was always on about me being more open and less closed off to people. I just don't know how to do that. I only know how to be happy and smiling and myself and keep myself to myself. Maybe parts will start to creep out one day.
I'm trying to share little bits. The person I share with has no idea how freaking hard that is for me. I think he probably thinks that I'm SO open with him, and I am always like this. How far from the truth that perception is. Sometimes, it's so funny because I don't know how to be open. I can be in the middle of a conversation and I think 'I have to get off the phone now before I really tell him something' and I cut off the call and run away. Either that or I talk really spastically all across the board about non-connecting things. He probably thinks that I am a total nut job. It's just me trying to be open but being scared about it. It's not his fault, it's just how I have always been. I hope he doesn't think I'm a total idiot, and he realizes that it's a good thing. That for me, this is putting myself out there.
I'm all the good parts of myself too -- smart, nice, fun, happy, challenging, inspiring, and caring. It's getting better. I do have cohesive thoughts and discussions sometimes. But watching Charlotte has made me almost complete realize how much of a crazy person I must seem like. Good grief! No wonder it's going to be hard to find that person that just says "I'm not going anywhere so you better get used to it."
I'm so nutty that I think both of these songs sum up what I want: