Saturday, June 6, 2009

All Things the Way of the World

I've done the requisite checklist this week:

1. took kids to a movie
2. visited Target 3 times and spent less than $100 altogether
3. painted the living room, kitchen, bathroom
4. hauled furniture from storage to living room (i now have an actual living room!!!)
5. made breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a week straight
6. went to a kiddie birthday party
7. hung out at the library and actually even checked a book out for myself (registered the little ones for the reading program)
8. cleaned and organized 3 different rooms
9. gut check for sanity of leaving job -- still feeling good
10. started to focus on my business (only have 3 months to make something start to happen before i have another 3 months to find a new job or maybe 6 more months before i find a new job)

cross your fingers for the ride everyone! i'm stoked.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Final Countdown .. is here!!!

I spent all last night planning roadtrips for me and the kids. We're going to visit as many surrounding states as possible this summer (let's face it: the maximum amount of time we'll be allowed in a car for one day with 3 small children is 4 hours so I had to stay close to home).

Trip 1: Moab -> Lake Powell (Page, AZ) -> Grand Canyon -> Lake Powell -> Orem
Total Travel Time: 4 days

Trip 2: Manti -> Grand Junction, CO -> Orem
Total Travel Time: 2 days

Trip 3: Shoshone Falls, ID -> Lava Hot Springs, ID -> Minnetonka Cave -> Orem
Total Travel Time: 2 days

The great part about kids is that they are no nonsense. You don't have to spend too much time at the place to soak it all in, and yet you can spend enough time to actually see something, which is the entire point of the trip, right?

Lake Powell checks off the beach box. The Grand Canyon checks off the major wonders of the world box. Shoshone Falls & Lava complete the "water experiences". Minnetonka Cave gives us a sideshow, and Manti brings a live production (yes, we're going for the pageant). Grand Junction allows me to claim Colorado and small town life.

So trading up 8 days of our summer time fun for these quick excursions is the highlight of my new life of mom.

It's going to be a wonderful life, I tell you!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Bubble Blowing Skirt and Top GIVEAWAY!!!!

Bubble Blowing Skirt and Top GIVEAWAY!!!!

I wish I was as talented as this chick. Seriously.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hot and Cold

It's easy to understand why blessings sometimes get overlooked. Every day I feel more and more free. Every day I feel the clouds lifting, and every day I wonder what in the world am I doing. Although, I still feel confident in it. People from work now know that I'm leaving. It's been an interesting response. Most people come in my office, close the door, and whisper 'I'm so jealous.' It's quite a strange situation really.

I was called two extremes today.

1) The X called me and chewed me out for not treating him like a person, and then told me that I needed to step up and start acting like a decent human being to him. I am still flabbergasted by what he thinks I did "wrong" but we don't really need to go there. Apparently, I am a self-centered [person] (I'll replace what he actually said since this is my blog and I can edit at will). Also in case any of you were wondering, I have always been this horrible person and he can't believe he gave up his life for a couple of years for me. Hmm. Interesting. We don't need to rehash that little hiccup in my otherwise amazing life, but all we need to do is breathe in and out and say 'Interesting'.

I'm also not going to lie to you, my faithful few - it hurt my feelings badly. I have never been called some of these things, and I always want to change myself for the better. Listening to this man is actually fairly detrimental to my emotional state though, and he knows it. He is a little manipulative of situations so looking back I wonder if he was taking his anger out on me for other reasons. I was fairly upset, called Azu (ps did you like the Halo remix I posted for you :)), and cried for a few minutes. Divorce is fairly awful - even a "pleasant" divorce such as mine. It's like this constant reminder of a really bad decision. It's a constant reminder of why I don't really believe anyone can commit [to me] 100%.

Today was also a huge reminder of why the Brit hurt my feelings so much. Not because he didn't really want me, but because he reconfirmed what X said today ... I'm easy to fall in love with and really easy to fall out of love with so what's that saying about me. Poor Brit wasn't in a place to be liking anyone, but sometimes that stuff is hard to help.

In a nutshell, this was sad, sad, sad and made me mad, mad, mad.

2) Toward the end of the day, after pretending for about 3 hours that I was perfectly fine and not about to burst into tears, one of the guys on my team popped his head into my office to tell me what he thought. His label surprised me entirely. Apparently, I am a ... wait for it ... wait for it ... a hippie!! Really?? Who would have thought. I'm not a hippie from my clothing (breathe a sigh of relief), but in my attitude about life. He said that he has never met someone that embraces life as fully as I do and just lives the way I want to live it. I am a very inspiring person.

I have never thought about myself this way - I just live life. If I feel like I need to move on, I just do it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and make no apologies about it. I have been mad the last month for falling so hard for the Brit when why should I apologize about it!! I'm a real person; I just am. It's exciting and fun and heart-warming and heart-breaking and it's life. Life full of vigor and full of love. That's what life is, and if you don't love hard enough, then what kind of miserable existence is it. I'm not apologizing for being emotional any more. I'm just going to be it - all the way.

Guess what - my X was mean to me. Big freaking deal. I can be mad about it and cry about it and then 5 minutes later feel fabulous again. I can be angry at the Brit and then 5 minutes later write him off. I can be ecstatic about quitting my job and 5 minutes later worry about what I want to do to support my family. I can be absolutely happy with myself and 5 minutes later think about 101 things I would change to make myself better. As long as I'm having a great time along the way and doing meaningful things with my life, I am living the best me. I don't have to cling to bad experiences in order to grow from them. So, it's ok that I made a bad choice and married X, and it's ok that I made a bad choice and had feelings for some guy that didn't return them, and it's ok that I quit my job, and it's ok that I going to spend the entire summer with my kids, and it's ok for me to just be me - flaws and all.

So in the words of a woman who sang a really awful song (which is not this one) live on American Idol tonight: you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no, you're in and you're out, you're up and you're down...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dear Friend

This is for you. You know how I like remixes.

Hope this makes your day. I heart you!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

I DID IT. I woke up last Sunday in London and decided to quit my job. Yes, that is an insane idea since I have supposedly amazing job in said economy. I know it doesn't seem right, but I will tell you a secret: it's perfectly right for me. Honestly, I knew over the Christmas Break I needed to quit, but it's scary. Just doing it is scary - I won't lie to you. But it's the right thing for me.

I woke up and realized - this is not me.

  • I am not motivated by money, and yet I was spending long hours in an office and long hours on the road working for it. Do you know how burnt out you get by coming home at 8pm every night and barely having time to tuck your kids in bed for the past 3 years?
  • I am not motivated by power, and yet I was spending a lot of time navigating waters that were (in my esteem) ridiculous based on other people's lust pursuits. Do you know how belittling that can be?
  • I am not motivated by fear, and yet I was spending insane amounts of time trying to align with my boss to make sure all the political schemers stayed away. Do you know how many times over the past 2 months someone who was supposed to be part of my team has been in my boss' office trying to take my job?

  1. I am motivated by inspiring people. People that I like and I want to help be successful. This has not been the case.
  2. I am motivated by exciting ideas and execution. While the exciting ideas may have been there; it was full of such disappointment in terms of execution.
  3. I am motivated by flexibility in my workplace. I have limited flexibility. If my office light isn't on at 9am, I get phone calls about it. Seriously? You have time to waste being a hall monitor?
  4. I am motivated by happy workplaces. The people around me are not happy. They are cancerous and have driven my positive, happy spirit into the gutter.
That's pretty much the extent of my motivation I guess. Sure, I want to make a decent living, and I don't mind working my tail off if I'm passionate about it. But my passion died long ago.

I knew I was supposed to do this over Christmas Break, but stupidly, I was too scared. Well that led me down a path I wish I had never gone. If I would have just done it, I could have saved myself from unnecessary hurt by Brit. Although to be fair, he is probably the prime reason I finally realized my work world was so broken. It's all about people using people to get their own agenda met. Prime example.

Why can't work be about a collective group trying to do the right thing? Why can't anything in this life be about a collective group (whether that group is two people or a work force) getting together to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to say that your motivating factor is helping make other people's lives better while you're building something great?

So now I am jobless and I don't care. I have annual passes to the zoo, this is the place park, scera movies and outdoor musicals, and the planetarium. I am going to spend the entire summer with my kids and building back up my happy, positive attitude that I know is hidden in some deep, dark place. I can build up myself and my love of life again. Then, maybe the broken me will be able to piece herself back together enough to grow a heart and find something that I love again - I have lots of ideas brewing.

Wish me luck!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Mid-Day Musings

I am one week past old. I am sitting in the office staring out the window knowing that I'm going to walk over to the park here in about 15 minutes, and I wish you could come walk in the park with me. The park is beautiful. Regent's Park is breathtaking. I would love to walk through this park every day and chase my beautiful children. As I wander, I'll try to post some pics of it on my facebook so you can pretend like you took the journey with me. I know you secretly want to. It'll be lovely.

We'll pretend together that we're chit-chatting like the proper British people do, and we'll talk about a wide array of subjects. I will only sound slightly nerdy in my references to the Sci-Fi world or long dead authors, and you will sound brilliant with your lyrical quotes and discussions on artificial intelligence. We'll discuss Parliament and Congress, and hypothesize on how much better we could run the world. We'll dawdle a little, and hope the other person will give us the smile that shares a million secrets. We'll have a lemonade from the little stand.

We'll talk about family and how you helped your mom the other day and how I need to help mine more. We'll talk about islands and which ones we want to visit. We'll love the sunshine that plays across our faces, and then we'll turn and say good-bye.

I'll walk off my way, and you'll walk of your way. A little piece of both our souls will be soothed knowing that the other person is still in the world and still has that little bit of magic that warms each others' hearts.

There. That was such a pleasant time we shared together. Let's do it again soon. Sooner than soon really - I miss you.