Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

I DID IT. I woke up last Sunday in London and decided to quit my job. Yes, that is an insane idea since I have supposedly amazing job in said economy. I know it doesn't seem right, but I will tell you a secret: it's perfectly right for me. Honestly, I knew over the Christmas Break I needed to quit, but it's scary. Just doing it is scary - I won't lie to you. But it's the right thing for me.

I woke up and realized - this is not me.

  • I am not motivated by money, and yet I was spending long hours in an office and long hours on the road working for it. Do you know how burnt out you get by coming home at 8pm every night and barely having time to tuck your kids in bed for the past 3 years?
  • I am not motivated by power, and yet I was spending a lot of time navigating waters that were (in my esteem) ridiculous based on other people's lust pursuits. Do you know how belittling that can be?
  • I am not motivated by fear, and yet I was spending insane amounts of time trying to align with my boss to make sure all the political schemers stayed away. Do you know how many times over the past 2 months someone who was supposed to be part of my team has been in my boss' office trying to take my job?

  1. I am motivated by inspiring people. People that I like and I want to help be successful. This has not been the case.
  2. I am motivated by exciting ideas and execution. While the exciting ideas may have been there; it was full of such disappointment in terms of execution.
  3. I am motivated by flexibility in my workplace. I have limited flexibility. If my office light isn't on at 9am, I get phone calls about it. Seriously? You have time to waste being a hall monitor?
  4. I am motivated by happy workplaces. The people around me are not happy. They are cancerous and have driven my positive, happy spirit into the gutter.
That's pretty much the extent of my motivation I guess. Sure, I want to make a decent living, and I don't mind working my tail off if I'm passionate about it. But my passion died long ago.

I knew I was supposed to do this over Christmas Break, but stupidly, I was too scared. Well that led me down a path I wish I had never gone. If I would have just done it, I could have saved myself from unnecessary hurt by Brit. Although to be fair, he is probably the prime reason I finally realized my work world was so broken. It's all about people using people to get their own agenda met. Prime example.

Why can't work be about a collective group trying to do the right thing? Why can't anything in this life be about a collective group (whether that group is two people or a work force) getting together to do the right thing? Why is it so hard to say that your motivating factor is helping make other people's lives better while you're building something great?

So now I am jobless and I don't care. I have annual passes to the zoo, this is the place park, scera movies and outdoor musicals, and the planetarium. I am going to spend the entire summer with my kids and building back up my happy, positive attitude that I know is hidden in some deep, dark place. I can build up myself and my love of life again. Then, maybe the broken me will be able to piece herself back together enough to grow a heart and find something that I love again - I have lots of ideas brewing.

Wish me luck!!


b. said...

This decision of yours has taken my breath away for many reasons. (it came back, I'm still breathing)

I don't know what will come of it, but I wish only the VERY VERY best for you and your sweet babies. And I admire your chutzpah!

wordver: topsych

~j. said...


i i eee said...

You're going to be okay. You have got mad skillz, lady.

I'm so happy for your upcoming summer! It's going to be your Summer o'Fun! Something will come up when it's time. I'm so glad you'll get a chance to spend more time with your babies. That's gotta be good for the soul. Help you get your spirit back.

Lucky Red Hen said...

Oooh I luf you!

pflower10 said...

I admire the way you are taking life's bull not only by the horns but by the balls too and having a COME TO TIFFANY talk.

I wish you all the best!

PS I LOOOOOVE that song! Peter Gabriel has it goin' on, I tell you.