Little Bits and Pieces of My Soul (AKA For b.)

Slice of Me #1:



Slice of Me #2:



Slice of Me #3:



Slice of Me #4:



Slice of Me #5:



Slice of Me #6:



Slice of Me #7:



Slice of Me #8:



Slice of Me #9:



Slice of Me #10:

Charlotte King, Uncanny

In my insomniatic episodes of late, I have taken to watching online shows of which I would probably never watch if I was just watching TV. One of those is the silly spin-off of Grey's Anatomy, which I cannot even identify without feeling like I would lose effective cool points from all of you. The Show-That-Cannot-Be-Named has a character named Charlotte King. Each episode that I have watched from this season (and unfortunately for me, I am now current with the show), I have realized that I think I might unfortunately be exactly like this girl. It's scary.

I always want to identify with these romantic, womanly female characters, but let's be honest here, I am just not like that. I am much more like Anna Scott, but my William Thacker doesn't have the guts to be that smitten ;) Well, I am romantic and womanly and emotional in brief spurts, but all I've ever know in life is that I have to keep it together no matter. I have walked away from people and things because I just haven't thought it would be worth the emotional ache.

Then, I was chatting with Disco (who has known me for almost 10 years), and he told me that I needed a guy that I would push away who would look at me and say "I'm not going anywhere so you better get used to it." Apparently, that's the only way I will find the man that's most committed to me because he insists that I push people away just to test them. Hmm ... he's probably right. I like to do that, and I reserve the right to get pissed off when they just walk away, which believe me, is what inevitably happens.

I'm telling you this because I just watched an episode where this is pretty much the plot line between Charlotte and her love interest (who, another unfortunate and telling thing for me, is the least good looking guy on the show ;)). I think I am her workaholic, driven, frigid, scared, and hidden person. It's creepy.

The Jimeister was always on about me being more open and less closed off to people. I just don't know how to do that. I only know how to be happy and smiling and myself and keep myself to myself. Maybe parts will start to creep out one day.

I'm trying to share little bits. The person I share with has no idea how freaking hard that is for me. I think he probably thinks that I'm SO open with him, and I am always like this. How far from the truth that perception is. Sometimes, it's so funny because I don't know how to be open. I can be in the middle of a conversation and I think 'I have to get off the phone now before I really tell him something' and I cut off the call and run away. Either that or I talk really spastically all across the board about non-connecting things. He probably thinks that I am a total nut job. It's just me trying to be open but being scared about it. It's not his fault, it's just how I have always been. I hope he doesn't think I'm a total idiot, and he realizes that it's a good thing. That for me, this is putting myself out there.

I'm all the good parts of myself too -- smart, nice, fun, happy, challenging, inspiring, and caring. It's getting better. I do have cohesive thoughts and discussions sometimes. But watching Charlotte has made me almost complete realize how much of a crazy person I must seem like. Good grief! No wonder it's going to be hard to find that person that just says "I'm not going anywhere so you better get used to it."

I'm so nutty that I think both of these songs sum up what I want:

New York, Part 1

And to think, this was only the first night: http://bowlergirl.blogspot.com/2009/03/in-like-lion-out-like-lamb.html



I won't regale you with stories of my room change that landed me sandwiched between sexaholics that i got to listen to up to 5 times a day for 5 days (one side of me had a screamer), the rejection from breakfast for lack of appropriate attire, the Internet connection that wouldn't last for longer than 5 minutes (which makes watching porn to alleviate the first situation quite impossible), the choir groups and math clubs that were conventioning on my floor, my embarassing shoe purchase from a street vendor(http://www.zappos.com/product/7438522/color/554 -- please never remind me of the brand), or the typical New York stiletto-in-grate experience that maimed one of my favorite pairs of shoes.



Silence broken, I guess.

Talk to you later,

tt

A Slight Diversion

Today is my dad's birthday. After 3 years, you'd think it gets easier. I am always a weird mix between sad and mad when I think about it. Some times I'm glad he's not here to see the crappy things that have happened in the past 3 years. Other times I want him to be here to see my babies and give me hugs. Today is a hug day.

I just want a daddy hug. Then, things will get better. It's a sad day.

Death sucks.
TT

Bouncing.

Hi all,

I am out for a bit. Sorry, I got you all worked up because I was such a regular, entertaining poster, and you thought I was TOTALLY BACK. I just need a slight caesura. I'll be back - this isn't the rebuild my life timeout like the last one. Just need a little space to think outside myself. Maybe a month, maybe two, maybe a week.

You know the drill. Email is always there. Calling is always an option.

You are all #1 in my book.
Love,
TT

I Dare You Not to Cry.

I have always loved this song. In fact, BG and I loved this song together many a moons ago. Right after Leo was born, I was listening to this album, and I just totally started bawling. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about him lately. This is really my song for him.



Not a dry eye in the house.

Sugar Daddies

So, maybe I should get a sugar daddy for about fiveseconds because I TOTALLY WANT this.

My options in the past 12 hours are these:

*sigh* (and not in a good way)

TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT.

If you all pitch in, can I get that for my birthday?? Preferably before I go to London so I have great books to read the entire time I'm there. That would be lovely. *SIGH* (in the good way)

Hawt

There are three letters to describe me today -- H.O.T. I'm talking all caps. (For those of you who really know me, I'm sure you're refreshing your browsers right now because you've never heard me talk about myself like this. I assure you, it's real, so you can put the mouse down now.) There were many signs.

1. I felt great.
2. My dress is also HOT and therefore, how could I not be in it.
3. My stilettos are beautifully amazing, and once again therefore how could I not be in them.
4. The young men stopped having conversation when I walked by and fell into an awed silence.
5. Women would not allow me to speak to their husbands without hurrying over.

AND FINALLY:

A girl that I know in the ward said in a disdainful manner, "Tiffany, you always look so amazing. I could never look like you with my life and responsibilities."

Seriously? Did you just insult me by saying I'm not responsible because I look great? Really? Or that because you have 2 kids, you can't dress amazing? I HAVE THREE KIDS LADY!!! I juggle babies on my hips in my Suzi Chin dresses, wipe spit up from my winter white pants because I refuse to not wear what I want because I have kids. If they're going to learn from me, they get to learn who I am. And unless I am working in the garden or doing some sort of sporting activity (heaven forbid), I dress. For Myself. I don't need anyone to dress for, although appreciation of the effort is always in fashion and yes sometimes I wish I had that person to appreciate me, but I'll take the cat calls from the occasional construction worker. I don't need a partner to appreciate it to want to feel great about myself. I just feel great about myself. I haven't ever felt this happy with myself -- the past two months have probably been the best of my life. I know what I want, and I want it. I deserve it.

I look great because I want to look great, and I'm not apologizing for it again. E.V.E.R.

So today, I had FABULOUS hair, GOOD makeup, SWEET-ASS shoes, GREAT legs, a WONDERFULLY fitting dress, and a GORGEOUS smile. All in all, I looked H.O.T.

No apologies.

Shut Up and Let Me Go!

I wish the Ting Tings would make my stop all this craziness in my head, but I doubt even this can fix it:



Here's the pics you've all been asking me for because yeah, I don't post everything on Facebook. Facebook is not a free place. Blogging is a place where I can be free, and not care, and tell you what I want, and you still love me. Cuz hey! It's the raw, real me, and you wouldn't want it any other way.

One of my favorite places - Cascade Springs. *sigh* it was so much fun.


At the top of the mountain and the end of the day. I can't even tell you how horrible my hair was after that, and I honestly didn't even care because I was so exhausted from the week. I blame bad hair on the reason that my Brit doesn't love me because let's face it, I'm irresistible otherwise!


Ok, admission time: this picture is on Facebook, but it's one of my favorites so you get a repeat. Or you could look at it like now you don't have to sort through all the FB pics to find the best ones.


This is on FB too, but this is my absolute favorite one. He is so adorable, even with the shoes that I gave him a really hard time for wearing in public ;)

And once we were back, we took a reallyquick snapshot because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, and Sandy was taking off her super-fly jumpsuit.

I will try to make this the official last time I talk about the Brit on my blog, but you are required to forgive me if I have a lapse. He's kind of difficult to get over.

One final: *Le Sigh*

A Laundry List

Dear Target,

It's spring. Please update your color palatte accordingly. I don't want to be somber and depressing ALL year round.

Your favorite shopper.
TT


Dear Discrete Affairs,

No, I am not married and lonely, but even if I were, your email and your Web site are embarrassing and appalling. Please help society invest in some freaking morals and stop making it a horrible place for me to raise amazing kids.

Absolutely displeased,
TT


Dear Pinkie,

Could you have waited one day to give birth to your kittens?? I was trying to get the house in order for Leo's birthday, finish getting out the door for work, putting away all the laundry, and sending the kids to school on time for once, and I didn't really need 4 kittens to rescue at the same time. I hope you appreciate the fact that I have already scheduled you a "fix" appointment at the vet.

Your homo sapien adoptive mamma,
TT


Dear Mother Earth,

I'd really appreciate a weather decision here. Decide: Winter or Spring. I need to coordinate my shoes accordingly.

Rocking your world (and not in the sexual sense although one can always hope),
TT


Dear MrICan'tPlanTurnedIntoIDon'tGetTheMessage,

When a girl says she's just not that into you, she probably means it. Please don't text message me and expect an answer.

Wondering why I ever give my phone number out,
TT


Dear Lucky,

Can't wait to see you tomorrow!!

Heart You,
TT

You are the Sunshine of My Life

LittleMan. I adore you. I can't seem to get Stevie Wonder out of my head, and I think it's because it's exactly how I feel about you. You are definitely the apple of my eye, and I will always be around for you, lovey.

Happy 1st birthday, baby. Here's to all the wonderfulness from the past year.

New York, My Long Lost Friend

I am coming to visit you. I am coming to celebrate the First Day of Spring (and hopefully to wash the tarnish off one of my favorite days of the year!!) and usher in a bright and lovely new season in a lovely town.

New York, I know we've always had a fun time, but there are still things I have yet to do:

• I really want to spend an entire day just lounging around Central Park. Oh, maybe even take a ride in a horse drawn carriage. I haven't done that yet.
• Hmm, maybe visit "the Shore", but it's probably still too cold for that.
• I want to visit the MOMA again (tradition calls).
• And I want to eat Dunkin Donuts.
• I really want to spend the night out on the town, which I haven't done since I went to NY with Disco and GirlPresident to visit BG (BG -- wasn't that night DIVINE!?!?!) a month before terrorists thought it was fun and games to play with our great nation, which is still great so BAH TO YOU ASSHOLES FOR THAT!! (Language was necessary in this case my dear readers.)

Anyway, what other fun things should I do in New York? Tell me what your favorite thing to do has been, and yes, I've hit almost all of the major tourists spots in that city.

What I really want to do is call the Brit and say 'Look, I know you're in a sucky place in life. It’s only a 7 hour flight, a 5 hour time difference, and $350. And it would be the most fun 3 days you’ve ever spent there. Then, you can go back and figure things out.' But I know he won't listen. *Le sigh* THAT would make the weekend ultimately fabulous.

For now, I'll just rely on BG, Sant, and my pseudo-Valentine date to come have fun and be entertained with how my life always seems to unfold in a most peculiar and happy way. It'll be an adventure, and I can't wait.

Next Stop: London for my BIRTHDAY!! Any peeps want to come ... BG, you're still on notice for this!!!

A Present

I found the most fun present on my desk today:

I don't think I've found my life-changing pair of shoes yet because I haven't had the Cinderella fairy tale ending, and my date the other night is NOT moving me closer in that direction. I know I told some of you that I would go again if he asked, but let's be honest, it would be a total waste of my time and his -- poor boy -- because it's just not going to happen. I'm just not that into you, MrICan'tPlan.

Now, the shoes I bought a couple of weeks ago at Aldo are absolutely amazing, and MIGHT seal the deal for me one of these days:

Mobile blogging at 4:30am

I'm looking forward to a new week. I'm actually excited about working
out in the morning (although I may be slightly delusional since I've
been awake the past hour and it's 4:30am). I am excited about the
Laundry Ladies coming in the morning and the Nancies coming later this
week and HandyManny's visit that is also imminent. I am excited about
work prospects this week too, which is the first time in over 3 months
- this could be attributed to possible work changes that I might know
about later this week. I am SUPER excited to be celebrating a
birthday later this week because I just can't believe LittleMan is
going to be 1 already!! I am excited to be planning a trip to New
York even if it is for business because I'm going to stay out there
and celebrate the first day of spring because I deserve to celebrate
hard that day!!

I went on a long and winding drive with Suz today, and I found a
perfect house, umm, that the owners are crazy enough to think
they can sell for $1.6MM in today's economy. We got a great laugh out
of that one. It is really great though, and to be fair, I was
expecting an $800K price tag, not over a million and a half!!

I cleaned out more of my closet in preparation for a possible big
move, which may or may not happen, but at least I'm cleaning out my
life. I think all of this has contributed to my uplifted spirits.

I want to plan a roadtrip with my kids the last weekend of March.
Anyone up for going to Moab?