Hot and Cold

It's easy to understand why blessings sometimes get overlooked. Every day I feel more and more free. Every day I feel the clouds lifting, and every day I wonder what in the world am I doing. Although, I still feel confident in it. People from work now know that I'm leaving. It's been an interesting response. Most people come in my office, close the door, and whisper 'I'm so jealous.' It's quite a strange situation really.

I was called two extremes today.

1) The X called me and chewed me out for not treating him like a person, and then told me that I needed to step up and start acting like a decent human being to him. I am still flabbergasted by what he thinks I did "wrong" but we don't really need to go there. Apparently, I am a self-centered [person] (I'll replace what he actually said since this is my blog and I can edit at will). Also in case any of you were wondering, I have always been this horrible person and he can't believe he gave up his life for a couple of years for me. Hmm. Interesting. We don't need to rehash that little hiccup in my otherwise amazing life, but all we need to do is breathe in and out and say 'Interesting'.

I'm also not going to lie to you, my faithful few - it hurt my feelings badly. I have never been called some of these things, and I always want to change myself for the better. Listening to this man is actually fairly detrimental to my emotional state though, and he knows it. He is a little manipulative of situations so looking back I wonder if he was taking his anger out on me for other reasons. I was fairly upset, called Azu (ps did you like the Halo remix I posted for you :)), and cried for a few minutes. Divorce is fairly awful - even a "pleasant" divorce such as mine. It's like this constant reminder of a really bad decision. It's a constant reminder of why I don't really believe anyone can commit [to me] 100%.

Today was also a huge reminder of why the Brit hurt my feelings so much. Not because he didn't really want me, but because he reconfirmed what X said today ... I'm easy to fall in love with and really easy to fall out of love with so what's that saying about me. Poor Brit wasn't in a place to be liking anyone, but sometimes that stuff is hard to help.

In a nutshell, this was sad, sad, sad and made me mad, mad, mad.

2) Toward the end of the day, after pretending for about 3 hours that I was perfectly fine and not about to burst into tears, one of the guys on my team popped his head into my office to tell me what he thought. His label surprised me entirely. Apparently, I am a ... wait for it ... wait for it ... a hippie!! Really?? Who would have thought. I'm not a hippie from my clothing (breathe a sigh of relief), but in my attitude about life. He said that he has never met someone that embraces life as fully as I do and just lives the way I want to live it. I am a very inspiring person.

I have never thought about myself this way - I just live life. If I feel like I need to move on, I just do it. I wear my heart on my sleeve and make no apologies about it. I have been mad the last month for falling so hard for the Brit when why should I apologize about it!! I'm a real person; I just am. It's exciting and fun and heart-warming and heart-breaking and it's life. Life full of vigor and full of love. That's what life is, and if you don't love hard enough, then what kind of miserable existence is it. I'm not apologizing for being emotional any more. I'm just going to be it - all the way.

Guess what - my X was mean to me. Big freaking deal. I can be mad about it and cry about it and then 5 minutes later feel fabulous again. I can be angry at the Brit and then 5 minutes later write him off. I can be ecstatic about quitting my job and 5 minutes later worry about what I want to do to support my family. I can be absolutely happy with myself and 5 minutes later think about 101 things I would change to make myself better. As long as I'm having a great time along the way and doing meaningful things with my life, I am living the best me. I don't have to cling to bad experiences in order to grow from them. So, it's ok that I made a bad choice and married X, and it's ok that I made a bad choice and had feelings for some guy that didn't return them, and it's ok that I quit my job, and it's ok that I going to spend the entire summer with my kids, and it's ok for me to just be me - flaws and all.

So in the words of a woman who sang a really awful song (which is not this one) live on American Idol tonight: you're hot and you're cold, you're yes and you're no, you're in and you're out, you're up and you're down...